[Bluesy music]
The radio was blasting with DJ Morning Jive
He knew his rap was downing but I feel half-alive
I think my eyes are open but I'm not really up
Can't have any coffee No cream in my cup
It must be Monday
No matter what the DJ says
Ask me why I hate Mondays And I'll give you the news
Don't like Mondays 'cause I got the Monday morning blues
Good morning, Odie.
Here you go, boy.
[Sighing]
Well, I guess I'll go shower and shave.
Thanks for sharing that with me, Jon.
Yes, folks, this is my life.
While it may look vital and stimulating, it really isn't.
That's because Jon's a bore. He really needs to get a life.
And I intend to help him find one. Why?
Because Jon's my friend...
and I'd do anything to help my friend, no matter what.
Unless, of course, there's something good on TV.
Time for my favorite show, Yukon Stinky.
This week Yukon Stinky insults a polar bear.
Can't miss that. Jon's life can wait.
[Yukon Stinky barking on TV]
[Man screaming]
Well, Stinky, I guess this case is closed.
[Whimpering]
Give them heck, Stinky.
ANNOUNCER: This is WBOR...
the all-National Anthem all-the-time channel.
Next by popular demand, the Canadian National Anthem.
[Canadian national anthem playing]
ANNOUNCER: If you're not completely satisfied...
with your Ajax Nose Hair Tweezers...
we'll refund all your tweezed nose hair.
Take that, and that, and that.
Oh, and that.
If it's not too much trouble, and if you don't mind...
That should be enough stimulation for one morning.
One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight...
nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
Hundred forty-one, hundred forty-two...
hundred forty-three, hundred forty-four.
Garfield, did you know the bedroom ceiling has 144 tiles?
- The living room has 214. - I'm bored.
Why don't you organize your sock drawer?
I'd organize my sock drawer, but I just organized it last night.
I'll be the judge of that.
Oh, I'm impressed.
All nicely tucked and sorted by color and size.
These are the winter socks. The summer ones are in the other drawer.
Here we have your natural fiber socks. Here's your man-made fiber socks.
And, of course, here you've got your blends.
- You know what, Garfield? - You need a life.
- I need a life. - Yep.
- There's more to life than socks. - There's underwear.
There's a bigger world out there beyond this sock drawer and I'm gonna live it.
[Jazzy instrumental music]
Get up off your easy chair now
Ain't no time for sitting there now
No more days marking time long into the night
Now is the chance, turn on the light
Go on and get yourself a life
Get yourself a life
Nothin' to it, boy, until you do it
Get yourself a life
Nice touch.
[Dreary instrumental music]
Haven't you got a life yet?
What are you waiting for? Do I have to do everything around here?
How to Make Friends and Fool the Rest.
Obviously a book on sincerity.
I forgot I had this book.
Hey, this chapter on getting dates is just the ticket.
Great. Read it and give me a full report.
The sooner you get happy with your life, the sooner I can get back to mine.
Humans. Never satisfied.
If only they'd learn to be content with the simple things in life...
like lasagna, a good nap...
family, dog breath.
[Garfield exclaiming in disgust]
JON: It says here, a singles club is just the ticket...
for a happening kind of guy like me.
- Let's get to work. - Whatever.
JON: "Hey, there, would you like to dance with me?"
WOMAN: Sure. Why not? JON: Yes!
Did you hear that, Garfield? She wants to dance with me.
It's a miracle.
Come, my dear, let's cut a rug.
Shake your paw Wag that tail
All set.
Move to the music
[Funky music playing]
Everybody out on the floor
Everybody now
Everybody out on the floor
GARFIELD: Here it comes.
Shake your paw Wag that tail
Move to the music
Shake your paw Wag that tail
Move to the music
GARFIELD: All set.
When you're feeling down
Here's something you can do to turn those blues around
When you're feeling low
Here's a little move that you can do That's called
Shake your paw Wag that tail
Move to the music
Shake your paw Wag that tail
Move to the music
[Music stops]
MAN: Hey, jerk, disco is dead.
What? When?
[Sad instrumental music]
Boy, you learn a dance and then zango, 14 years later they change it.
Go figure.
It says here a Laundromat is a great place to meet chicks.
Looks like a great place to take a nap.
Clean chicks.
Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice your frilly little...
tutu thing there. Are you a ballerina?
Why yes, I am.
And I couldn't help but notice your teddy bear boxer shorts.
WOMAN: Are you a dweeb? GARFIELD: Why yes, he is.
It says here, "A video store is a great place to meet chicks."
Can we get Old Yeller? I love movies with happy endings.
Interested in checking out a little romance?
- Will you be renting that tape, sir? - No, he'll be eating it here.
Pardon me, ladies. I seem to have lost my Olympic swimming medals...
around here somewhere. I might have lost them over there.
Or over there. I just can't remember.
Oh, well, I think I'll do some pushups.
Out of my way, wimp.
Oops.
Nice going, Jon.
Here we are trying to find you a life and all you can think about is eating.
As I was saying to myself when I saw you standing there:
"This is obviously a chick... Lady of distinction and exquisite taste...
"to be shopping in such an expensive store."
Did I tell you what lovely eyes you have?
And I want to thank you for listening to me this long without hitting me...
or shoving anything in my mouth. That means a lot to me.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
Let's get out of this place and grab a cup of coffee somewhere.
This way, my dear.
[Screaming]
Let's give him a hand for trying.
[Sighing]
This may come as a surprise to you...
but I'm just not very good at getting a date.
No, go on. You're putting me on.
JON: Hello, there. WOMAN #1: Don't flatter yourself.
Strike one.
Maybe I ought to just forget about meeting anyone, ever.
- Maybe I'll become a nun. - As long as it gets you out of the house.
Hi, there.
WOMAN #2: Take a hike. JON: No thanks, I just took one.
Strike two.
What is it, Garfield? Is it my breath? My looks? My personality? Why can't I...
Yo, there.
WOMAN #3: Buzz off. JON: Buzz.
Strike three.
Yes siree Bob. It's times like this I sits back and feels blue.
- Oh, no. - And when a man feels this blue...
- he's just got to get it out. - He's gonna sing.
A man's just got to sing.
[Singing] I ain't got no woman It's raining on my shoes
My cat is fat and worse than that I've got nothin'but the blues
And I thought fat people were jolly.
ANNOUNCER: And now this word from our sponsor.
Friends, are you lonely? Bored?
A loser? Is your idea of a fun Saturday night...
sitting home watching television with your kitty cat?
Are you so boring that you could make cheese yawn?
Are you so out of touch you think disco is still in?
Have you ever passed time by counting ceiling tiles?
Compared to you does a slug seem hyperactive?
Well, friend, if this is you, cheer up.
There's help for you at the Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired.
That's right! At Lorenzo School we can show you how to get a life.
We can take even the most humdrum, uninteresting, and tiresome bore...
and turn him into someone vital, energetic and self-assured.
We'll show you how to make friends. How to make good music.
How to make good first impressions.
How to do impressions. How to have fun.
At Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired...
we've got a proven track record.
I thought I'd never have a personality.
But after only 14 weeks at Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired...
I now have a great personality.
Six months ago I was a school crossing guard.
Crossing the street was my life.
Now, thanks to Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired...
I am a bullfighter.
And why am I carrying this stick, you ask?
Why, that's to keep the women away.
I wonder if they could help me?
LORENZO: Remember, friend, at Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired...
our motto is, "If you can get a pulse, you can get a life."
Well, maybe they'll take you anyway.
Hello.
Welcome to Lorenzo's School for the Personality lmpaired.
- May I help you? - Yes. I'm here to get a life.
I mean, I have a life but it's boring.
Well, it's not that it's boring so much as...
I just don't have anything unusually interesting going on.
Not at the present anyway.
Not that I couldn't. You might say I'm kind of...
Yes, I see. We'll start you right out in Room 1A.
That's "How to make a good first impression."
Down the hall, first door on your right. Have a nice life.
- I'd settle for a nice lunch. - I wonder if this is the place.
WOMAN: Hundred and four, hundred and five...
Yeah, this is the place.
How do you do? My name is Lorenzo. And what is your name?
Jon. Jon Arbuckle. And this is my...
- Are you the Lorenzo in the commercial? - In person.
Gee, on TV you sounded so...
- So what? - So alive.
That was a lip-sync, you know. My body, Charlton Heston's voice.
It's a theatrical thing. It's done quite often.
I see.
Onward and upward. Shall we?
Have a seat, Mr. Airbuckle.
Good morning, class.
Welcome to the Lorenzo School for the Personality lmpaired, Inc.
Remember our motto is, "If you can get a pulse, you can get a life."
So the first thing we're going to do this morning...
is check ourselves for a pulse.
If you don't have one, please raise your hand.
Oh, my. I see we have several.
Well, keep your hands up in the air while my able assistant, Pricilla...
will come around and give you a second opinion.
The first step to becoming a vital person is to make a good first impression.
Now, "How do I do that," you might ask.
Well, I'll tell you how I do that, you might ask.
You do that by walking right up to the person...
Iooking them right in the eye, giving them a firm handshake and saying:
"Hello, my name is so-and-so."
Everyone turn to the person next to you and give it a try now.
Hello, my name is so-and-so.
WOMAN: Hello, my name is Mary Beth.
[All chattering]
- Hello, my name is Jon. - Hi, I'm Mona.
Hello, my name is Garfield.
You probably noticed I'm quite short and have excessive body hair.
- Was that okay? - Was what okay?
My first impression. I really have no idea what I'm doing.
Oh, good.
- Neither do I. How was mine? - Your what?
- My first impression. - Oh, fine. I guess.
JON: You guess? I knew it. MONA: What?
- I have something between my teeth. - No, your teeth are fine.
- See. - See what?
I'm blowing it. I'm making a lousy first impression.
- No, you're not. I guess. - Yeah, what do we know.
[Laughing]
The second part of today's lesson is learning to dress for success.
I'm naked.
In all modesty, I must confess in some circles...
I am considered a fashion plate, if you will.
Let me share a few of my fashion secrets with you.
Now, rule number one:
Notice how I've coordinated my pocket protector with my socks.
Well, my left one at any rate.
When it comes to color I say, "Why wear all the same color?"
Your ensemble should be a virtual smorgasbord for the eyes.
Notice how I've accented my green tweed slacks...
with this plaid jacket and string tie.
Why do I have this sudden urge to play golf?
Nothing impresses people more...
than when you speak in a foreign language.
Say for instance, Canadian.
Now, this is an easy language to learn.
You just talk like you normally would...
except, occasionally, you throw in an "eh."
Example: I am going to town, eh.
ALL: I am going to town, eh.
Great. Let's all go to town, eh. Maybe we could have some lunch, eh?
I was so shy in gym class I had my sister take my showers for me.
I was so shy I almost starved to death once...
because I didn't tell my dad I was hungry.
- You're not shy. - Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
You're like that guy on the beach yesterday.
- What guy? - Just some guy.
He was walking around flexing his muscles...
and looking for his Olympic swimming medals.
[Laughing nervously]
You don't really have to learn a language if you can sound like you speak it.
People are really impressed if you can speak French...
or you can sound like you speak French.
Example:
[Speaking gibberish with French accent]
Very impressive, no?
You know, I've had just about enough sophistication for one day.
- How about you? - [Ln French]Oui, mon ami.
Hey you, Monsieur Dumb Guy, remember me?
What am I, chopped liver? Duck pâté?
Foie gras? Why am I getting so hungry?
[Laughing]
MONA: It's been a wonderful day, Jon.
Class was great and dinner was fun.
But most of all, I really enjoyed talking to you.
Until I met you, I thought I was the only person in the world...
to get my tongue caught in an elevator door.
And we didn't even have to speak French.
- What? - Think about it.
We had a wonderful evening without having to rely...
on anything we learned in class today.
You mean we can be ourselves and still have a good time?
- It's a theory worth pursuing. - What a concept.
I know I've been working so hard...
to be what I thought other people wanted...
I almost forgot who I was.
Well, I'm glad I met the 'you' you.
I was fresh out of other mes.
Do you know I've never been able to open up to anyone like this before.
Other than my cat, that is.
GARFIELD: "Other than my cat, that is."
My cat!
Yesterday I had a name.
Yesterday I was his bosom buddy.
His confidant. Today I'm his cat.
I can't believe it.
Jon's actually met someone who likes him...
and it's not even his mother.
What's this world coming to? Who would've guessed?
[Tense instrumental music]
[Gasps]
Oh, no! Poor Jon.
He doesn't know what he's getting into.
I must stop him before he multiplies.
Then, in my senior year I was voted:
"Most likely to sit around the house a lot."
And then... Garfield? What are you doing?
Let go of her, Jon. Who knows where that hand has been.
MONA: What a sweet cat.
Don't listen to her. She's trying to get to you through me.
MONA: Would you like me to scratch behind your ears?
Oh, that's good. She's very smart, Jon.
Once she has me in her clutches, she'll perhaps...
Just a little bit behind this ear.
Jon, listen carefully. It's all... A little lower.
This is all a sinister plot to get you to... Oh, yes.
There. Yeah.
[Sneezes]
Excuse me.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, really. It's just that I'm...
allergic to cats.
[Mona sneezing]
For a minute there I thought you said you were allergic to cats.
I am.
Oh, no!
Too bad. What a shame.
She was so cute, and such a good ear-scratcher, too.
Well, come along, Jon. Say goodbye to your little friend.
It's time to fix dinner.
This is terrible.
I'm sorry, Jon.
Can't you take shots for your allergy?
MONA: They don't do me any good. JON: What can I do?
You can chuck her on the chin, say, "It's been nice knowing you, kid"...
GARFIELD: And send her away. JON: What if I shaved my cat?
Hey! Ho! Hi! Time out! Jon, what's with you?
Mona, you are so sweet.
We could really have been something, you and me.
[Upbeat instrumental music]
There's something to be said for seniority.
Can we still see each other sometime, Jon?
- I'd like that. - Good.
Not without a chaperon, you won't.
Jon's more than a friend to me.
He's my meal ticket.
Come on, I'll take you home.
Hang on! Wait for me.
You're not leaving me behind!
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
So to speak.
I saw this on a freeway once.
[Tires screeching]
I'm sorry I'm allergic to your cat, Jon.
I'm sorry for us.
- I like you, Mona. - I like myself when I'm with you, Jon.
- Mercy bo cue. - What?
- Mercy bo cue. - No, that's merci beaucoup.
JON: Merci bo coup. MONA: No, Jon...
[Upbeat instrumental music]